So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
