Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
