The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
