Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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