so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
