You can't special order awesome
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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