yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
