When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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