Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
