what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
