I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
