I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
