Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
