I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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