I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
