I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
