"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Damn victory sex feels great
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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