Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
