I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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