tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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