just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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