Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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