You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it's great music for shaving your balls
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
