Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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