why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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