Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
