totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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