I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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