If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm like, not good at living.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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