the day after is always just damage control
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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