a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
