hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
