You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
