If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
