omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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