It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
