I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Boobs speak an international language.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
