You're earring is so big in my mouth
he was CRYING into my vagina
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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