I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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