You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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