I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just want nice things and good sex
Randomize
