Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Of course I have a pirate flag
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
