is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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