Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
