idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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