I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
