Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
