I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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