i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
