I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
